In The Closet Dating Site
In The Closet Dating Site. In your closet is full of single men and women like you looking for dates, lovers, friendship, and fun. With so many new members joining each day there's always opportunity to find romance. 7 Answers to Questions About LGBTQ Life & Dating from www.out.com Dating during a lockdown is something few of us have experienced (or have prepared for). Of all the dating sites. Hackers have taken the records from an LGBTQ dating site, used primarily by gay men, in Israel — threatening to expose its users unless they are paid.
When it comes to sex, sometimes if we feel like we shouldn’t do it, it makes us want it more. Mix great sex with a great emotional connection? Now you’re in love—and it’s a secret. Dating someone in the closet can be tricky (or even a minefield), but it’s not impossible. Here’s a list of do’s and don’ts to give you some perspective.
DO Weigh the Pros & Cons
While you’re budgeting out the fantasy honeymoon in Bora Bora, weigh the pros and cons of going all-in on the relationship. Be realistic—the fact that you’re out and he’s not is going to cause a few problems. Secrets are hard to keep. Even being seen with you may be a threat to his identity as a heterosexual. We get how hot it is to be on the DL—it’s a service we happily provide. But do secrets stay hot forever? You may never meet his friends or family. You can’t even tag him on Instagram. If you ever needed to hide in the closet, you might feel like you’re revisiting the worst years of your life. Are you good with that? All relationships are a gamble, so think about what you’re willing to risk.
But the outlook for your new relationship isn’t necessarily grim. Honestly, in our experience, closeted boyfriends are typically new to gay culture. Newcomers tend to have excitement and enthusiasm. They may be less jaded, so despite being closeted, they may be more open to love. Whether you choose to be with someone in the closet or not, there’s no wrong answer. If you decide to go ahead and do it, it will take a lot of self-honesty, and probably tolerance and patience as well.
DON’T Give Ultimatums
Trying to force someone to come out is pointless and stressful for both of you. Don’t bother setting a deadline. Don’t make him choose between you and his family, friends, or job. If you have strong judgments on whether someone should be out, why not date people who already are? You’re responsible for your well-being, and he’s responsible for his. What that looks like is different for each of you.
Think back to before you were out—whether you needed to be closeted or because you simply weren’t sure enough to say it out loud. Would you appreciate someone pushing you to openly identify as gay, or would you resent it? The loss of a job, abandonment by your family, and violence are risks we all faced in coming out, whether we knew it or not. Maybe love can move mountains, but you can’t give him back his relationship with his mom, custody of his children, his dream job, even his religious community, which may be very important to him. Of the two of you, only he can figure that out.
DO Give Credit for Baby Steps
“Out” is not a black-and-white concept. People may be out with specific groups of people or in certain settings (for example, the leather bar). Making the choice to come out to anyone involves some kind of risk, and that can be scary. Each time he takes a step in the right direction, no matter how small, do give him support. If your boyfriend is not out with his family but decides to bring you along for family gatherings, do recognize his effort to include you in his life – even if you’re introduced as a ‘friend.’ Be patient with your boyfriend’s process. He’s doing something that freaks him out, that takes courage. It’s not easy for him. Do have faith that more progress will follow.
DON’T Take It Personally
Your boyfriend probably doesn’t love you enough – that’s why he’s not out and shouting about your relationship, right? No. Believe it or not, he is still closeted for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Understand that his fear of coming out and being open about his dating status is about his journey, and not about how deeply he cares for you. You probably came out in your own time. Do give the same consideration to your boyfriend.
Everyone has the right to live their lives and present themselves to the world however they want. In the words of RuPaul, “We’re born naked, the rest is drag.”
If you want this to work, recognize that your relationship is valid whether people know about it or not. If you're together, you're together. If your relationship status on social media is what’s important to you, it’s probably less complicated to have a secretly fake boyfriend than a secretly gay one. No judgment for that, either! You do you.
The point is, let your boyfriend have the time he needs. He’s entitled to it. When he's ready to put on rainbow short shorts, he will. It’s not about you.
DO Speak Up About Your Needs
Don’t not bring up specific issues for fear of seeming pushy. Sooner or later, you'll explode. Let a resentment fester and it will always get bigger. You’re entitled to have concerns and issues around the situation, and you should communicate them. Speak up if something is bothering you and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. Do your best to make him feel heard and appreciated.
Yes, it could lead to an argument, some fights need to be had. Arguments—when you’re not yelling at each other—can help you both understand what the other needs in the relationship to feel loved and supported. That’s a good thing. So, if you haven’t laid everything out on the table yet, today is a good day to sit down with your boyfriend and hash it out.
DON’T Forget to Do What’s Best for You
You may need to set a boundary (good) because the secrecy is getting to you but that’s very different from trying to control another person (bad). If you need space from your relationship because it’s hurting you, say so—and then do it. What’s the difference? Instead of saying “do this by Friday or else,” you’re saying, “I respect you but I can’t accept this.” The first one puts you at odds with each other. The second might suck temporarily, but it doesn’t make anyone the bad guy. It will strengthen your relationship, which will feel a lot better. If it ends your relationship, it will also feel a lot better.
Take a personal inventory of your requirements in a long-term relationship. We all want a happy endings, but if you reach a point where the good outweighs the bad, maybe it's time to end it. We don't think doing something that makes you unhappy (i.e. staying in a relationship that only brings you drama), will lead to a happy ending. There’s nothing wrong with a graceful goodbye.
If the relationship works for you, awesome. Whether or not he’s closeted doesn’t have to matter to you. If it only works for you for a little while, that’s also awesome. We’re all for living in the moment. A great time doesn’t have to be a long time.
No matter what your sexual orientation is, dating can be complicated! There’s so much stuff to learn: like your new love interest’s favorite food, music and artists. But if you or the person/people you’re dating are in the closet–-meaning, not open about your sexual orientation or gender identity, for whatever reason–things can get even trickier.
We recognize that there are an infinite number of reasons someone may not be open about their sexual orientation or gender identity. For example, not being out as trans to family for fear of rejection, not being out as gay at work for fear of being fired, not being out as bisexual amongst queer friends who think you’re a lesbian, or, not being out about being intersex to be able to stay on your school’s swim team, and so, so many more.
We want to be very clear that everyone has the right to live their lives and present themselves to the world however they please.
There is nothing wrong with being closeted or not “out” about your identities to everyone in your life!
Every individual has to decide for themselves if and when is the right time to come out, and for many LGBTQ+ folks, coming out is a lifelong process that happens over and over again, not just once. No one owes anyone information about their sexual orientation, gender identity or sex-life in general–sexuality is personal and everyone has the right to privacy.
Everyone in a romantic relationship should have an ongoing and open, honest dialogue about their likes, dislikes, wants, needs and boundaries. Especially when first getting to know someone this should include when, how, and how often you’ll communicate, what you’re comfortable with romantically or sexually, and what kind of commitment you’re hoping for. Queer folks who are not out need to be even more diligent about making sure everyone in the relationship is on the same page about what is and isn’t OK.
If you’re in the closet, while you absolutely don’t owe anyone an explanation of your choices, it may help your new love interest understand your situation if you’re comfortable being honest with them about why you’re not out.
The following are some of the many additional topics queer and trans people should discuss when dating:
- What label/s (if any) do each of us use for our sexual orientations and gender identities?
- Who knows about your sexual orientation and/or gender identity?
- Who can and cannot know about your sexual orientation and/or gender identity?
- Can we post our relationship status online?
- Can we display pictures at work of us looking like a couple?
- Who can each of us talk to about our relationship?
- What, if any, are the boundaries for that?
- How do we introduce each other if we run into someone whose relationship (work/friend/family) with our partner is unclear or unknown?
- Where can we go out in public together as a couple, safely?
- What happens if someone who knows you and I spend time together sees me in a queer social setting or with other out people?
- How do we act in public?
- Is there a code word or phrase we can use when one of us is feeling too exposed?
- Where do we see our relationship going? What are our goals for us as a couple?
- Am I comfortable keeping our relationship a secret?
- How long am I willing to keep our relationship secret?
- How serious would we have to be for the fact that one of us isn’t out to be a dealbreaker?
- What kind of self-care or affirmations can I do to remind myself that our relationship is important and valid no matter who knows about it?
It’s totally okay if you are not comfortable dating someone who is in the closet, but it’s important that you’re honest about that with potential partners, and that you don’t enter into a relationship with the intent of trying to change their mind or “save” someone. No matter what someone’s reason is for not coming out to the world, or out to any one person, that’s their choice and the only healthy option is to respect it.
You do you, but you don’t get to make those kinds of huge, life-changing decisions for anyone else.
Outing someone without their consent as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, asexual or intersex may not only potentially cost someone their support system or job, it could literally be deadly. No one has the right to threaten to or publicly (digitally or in real life) out someone, ever. If your partner threatens to out you when you argue, that’s emotional abuse, and there is nothing you could ever do to deserve it.
If you have concerns about your relationship, whether you identify as queer, straight, trans, cis, closeted, out, or anything else, please chat, text or call us!
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